America: It Takes a Tutu to Tango

Ottawa - Museum of Civilization

CBC Newsworld host, Don Newman: And now, the CFB Ottawa band has raised its instruments.

CBC Senior Washington Correspondant, David Halton: Yes, and both Mrs. Clinton and Mrs. Chrétien, now, have picked up castanets and they've climbed up on to the meal table.

Don Newman: And, the two leaders are sort of sashaying and ship shipping their way up to the microphones.

Jean Chrétien: Mister Clinstone,

Bill Clinton: Call me Fred!

JC: I'm really quite hurt. America treats us just like dirt.

BC: Well now, what do you mean by that?

JC: Always you're adding the duties, dumping the fruit from your fruit trees. Yelling about country music, and all the lumber taxes. Taking our shrimp catches. To us you are an elephant. We'd like to fight you but we can't...

We've got complaints with America,

You're all a pain in America,

Canada ain't in America,

BC: They elected me in America.

JC: What do you know about hockey? How could you take away Gretsky? Money for crossing the border,

BC: Canceled by executive order.

JC: Healthcare's not free in America,

Too much TV from America,

Cheaper for cheese in America,

BC: Me they don't need in America.

JC: Free trade, it looked like a good start. Now we've got nothing but WalMart. You make St. Lawrence a big ditch,

BC: What would you trade for Newt Gingrich?

JC: People have guns in America,

They have big buns in America,

Liberals are shunned in America,

BC: Republicans in America.

JC: President Clinstone, you like to tango?

BC: Uh, not really Jean, I'm a lambada man, myself, actually.

JC: Well, I teach you to tango, because if you want Canada to be a good partner, remember it takes a tutu to tango.

BC: Takes a tutu to tango? But, I've never worn a tutu before.

JC: Well, here I've got a nice pink one, just like what I'm wearing.

BC: Oh, I thought maybe that was your bullet-proof dress. Okay, I'll just...uh, there! I've got it on now.

JC: Okay let's do the tango.

BC: Alright.

JC: Cha cha cha.

BC: Cha cha.

JC: You are the elephant. Cha cha cha. And we are the mouse.

BC: Uh, what do you mean by that? I don't understand.

JC: Well, if the elephant step on the mouse's toe, it really hurt and that's what America do to Canada.

BC: Oh, I see.

JC: You have a dollar that's worth more. And I keep hearing from Al Gore. Every day he sends a new fax,

BC: When is the G7 in Halifax?

JC: You laugh at us in America,

Who can we trust in America?

What is the fuss in America?

BC: No healthcare, just in America.

JC: Look at Aline and Hillary with the castanets.

BC: You know, I think I'm catching on to this tango stuff. I'm gonna cha cha!

JC: Yeah, okay, now, now, I lead. You see, America can't lead all, all the time, you know. Sometimes Canada has to be like Fred Rogers and Ginger Astaire.

BC: Uh, who's that, again?

JC: Well, you know. For example, we just tried to stop all your American culture from wiping out the Canadian culture. You know, all the big American movie and singing stars, you know.

BC: Oh, you mean like Leslie Nielsen, and Martin Shore, and Paul Schaeffer, and Céline Dion, and um..

JC: Okay, okay, maybe I pick a bad example there.

BC: Oh.

JC: That, that was not the best example, okay, okay.

BC: Alright.

JC: I hope I make myself quite clear. And you stop picking on us here.

BC: I will, but you will need much luck. I'm afraid I'm just a lame duck.

JC: Oh yeah, I forgot about that.

BC: Alright, let's dance here.

JC: Cha cha.

Both: Cha cha. Cha cha.

BC: Jean?

JC: Oh, tighten the tutu and get ready for the big finish.

BC: Okay, I'm twirling around now. Here I go.

JC: And always remember what you have learned today from Canada.

BC: I know, I know. It takes a tutu to tango.

Both: Olé!

Written and Performed by Bob Roberton and Linda Cullen.

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